Building Trust – a Transformational Leadership Opportunity

October 14th, 2009 by Barb

I just finished leading a training with a colleague on conversation and relationship-building. We were talking about building trust with someone. From establishing credibility to creating intimacy. At the highest level of trust – each person has a shared vision for the other. After reading excerpts from Ron Riggio’s book, Transformational Leadership, I realized that this is what transformational leaders do. They build trust wherever they go – with their employees, their peers, and their superiors. They find out about what others care about and support them in their vision. For me, this was a great reminder and a good opportunity to do my own inventory of where I’m holding vision for others and where I’m not – a good wake up call to become the transformational leader I want to be.

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Fitness Vision or Workout Routine

October 7th, 2009 by Angela

Since grammar school, I was a workout fanatic. I worked out all the time. I played sports and wanted to be involved in active activities. I couldn’t stand being on the beach unless I was doing something. It was really more of a frenzy and fanatic lifestyle. I was doing it more to avoid certain things in my life and to not gain weight. They were all reactive reasons rather than for a higher purpose.

Don’t get me wrong- it was a better choice to be active and engaged than a lot of things I could have chosen. The only problem was it wasn’t fulfilling. I was just trying to get through the workout- didn’t really experience it all. After I graduated college, I continued being committed to working out, however I started making fitness goals. I started running and doing races. I was striving towards improving my times. I tried new things. I learned how to swim again to be able to do a triathlon. So, now I was focused on positive outcomes and goals. Better step, but still unfulfilling to what I was hoping for.

I did some work with Judith Wright and her Soft Addictions work and The One Decision. I began to understand what it meant to have a vision for my body- a higher purpose. My vision includes that I am a fit and healthy woman. My body is flexible and strong. I enjoy experiencing my body in all ways. It was from this that then the goals for running, working out, lifting weights started to have more meaning. I would use my vision to help me get started on the days I didn’t want to. I used my vision to decide the choice of workout that was important for me. I got more creative. I had more workout partners to be engaged with while I was working out. I would notice my breathing, feel my muscles, think through ideas, and have feelings when I worked out now. I was more alive and enjoying working out as something more not just something I had to do. Having a vision in all areas my life has helped provide me with more meaning, purpose and connection in my life and a greater reason to keep working out.

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Dealing with Aging Parents

October 2nd, 2009 by Angela

We recently put my Mom who is 82 into a nursing home. Her diagnosis is vascular dementia. From the research, they say she would have up to 5 years and would probably die from a heart related condition like a stroke or a heart attack. It has been difficult knowing she ready to die. Right now, she is still capable of understanding and making decisions. Thus, we got her funeral arrangements in line and other wishes she has so we can’t fight about it as a family later and only honor her requests. 

I visit her more now that she lives closer. We had a challenging relationship over the years. Over the past several years, we have expressed all our feelings to each other. Today, we are closer than ever and have a greater appreciation for each other as well. The fighting over the years, the truth telling on both our parts, I believe created a more intimate relationship. 

During our visits, I have told her I want her to die in peace. It has been a wonderful process for me with my mom to be reviewing her life. I have enjoyed knowing her more and sharing with her about my feelings about my experience of her. It has been healing for both of us. I have been supporting her with coming to terms with her life and how she lived. She is expressing more feelings. I am experiencing her in transforming her life. She is ready to die and that saddens me. I am challenging her to have a purpose in these final years rather than just waiting.

I know when my mom dies, I will be sad, yet I will also be happy for knowing we will feel nothing but love for each other and hopefully my mom will feel less shame and regret about her life. I can say this has been only possible because of the personal growth work I have done over the years at the Wright Leadership Institute. It has been by my decision to be honest with her and her with me and talking about all the “unconventional” feelings and judgments that most families would say you shouldn’t say to each other. This has created more closeness than I ever thought I would have.

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Don’t ask. Don’t tell.

October 1st, 2009 by Dan

I just got an assignment in my transformations lab at the Wright Leadership Institute – asking inappropriate questions. Say what?

See, in my family, we never asked any questions at all.  In fact we didn’t communicate in the extreme.  My folks didn’t tell many stories about their childhoods and growing up. We didn’t talk about what happened during our day at school. We didn’t share a lot of personal information with one another. We kept secrets. As kids, we learned that asking questions was somehow intrusive. Don’t ask, don’t tell was the unspoken policy. For a long time, I call this “respecting others boundaries.”

Recently I’ve come to see how this so-called respect has actually distanced me from others and kept me from experiencing true intimacy. So now I’m experimenting with pushing those boundaries, being outrageously curious, and asking the unspoken question. I’m learning to be impertinent. And I’m also learning that others want to share themselves, and that they open up to genuine curiosity. I’m learning how to be nourished by and intimate with others.

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I used to think I’d Rather Die Than Become a Salesperson

September 30th, 2009 by Beryl

 I never thought I would be a salesperson. I am an introvert, and I hated selling. I hated salespeople.  I would sometimes even be rude to telemarketers, and feel justified doing it. I HATED car salesmen and thought that their sole motivation was to take advantage of me. When I started my job as a coach, little did I know that I would be selling as well! So I was mortified to find out that part of my job was selling! No – not me! Anything but that!  So on the advice of my boss I joined the Advantage For Sales Training Program at the Wright Business Institute hoping to acquire some super skills to being an effective salesperson. However, I mostly just wanted someone to tell me the secrets of how to get people to buy. My first rude awakening came as I did an assignment where I reflected on my negative beliefs about sales and came to realize that my entire life was really about sales – namely selling myself. Once I understood it from that perspective, it got a lot easier. Sales was no longer a dirty word. The second awakening came as I learned through the A4S program that the key to sales is good relationships. Well – that made sense. And – I was already a coach – relationships were part of my job. So I began approaching sales from a different perspective – from one of trusted advisor, rather than as a salesperson. My sales improved dramatically, and people – noticing my sales success – started coming to me for sales advice. Believe it or not, I see huge potential for myself as a salesperson and it even has greatly enhanced my skills as a coach. Who would have thought it!!

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Are “boys” a soft addiction?

September 30th, 2009 by Jillian

I was in a conversation today with a talented and attractive young single woman. She shared how enlightened she became realizing that for her, boys were a soft addiction. It might seem strange to think that boys can be a soft addiction, but it’s really not.  The definition of a soft addiction is a ”seemingly harmless habit that zaps our time, money and energy”, and these habits that we do instinctually are trained in our brains to try to get our needs met. These habits don’t work, they don’t meet our needs, and we just deepen the groove in our brains – the neural pathways-  that keep us doing the same thing over and over with the same unsatisfying result.

This woman talked about how she would spend a lot of her time thinking about these boys she was meeting, sending text messaging, and fantasizing about the future with these boys, but then was unsatisfied with the actual dating encounter. I thought about how much I’ve grown in my own dating life and how I’ve really cut out a lot of the unsatisfying bullsh*t that can go along in the dating process. But, really, I do relate. I still play games – softly addictive ways of being- in my dating life. The biggest one for me is the soft addiction of avoidance and ommitting the truth. I routinely avoid sharing how I really feel and what I really want in relationships. It is such a habit for me that it takes writing down what I want to say, telling a friend that I plan on telling my date these things, and even then it takes a lot of chutzpah to do it! At least once a week after a phone conversation with someone I’m dating has ended, I force myself to call back and share what it was that I was really feeling and what I really wanted- otherwise that which I’ve ommitted blocks the intimacy that I am trying to build.

Underneath these soft addictions are unexpressed feelings and deeper hungers. For me, I feel fear and excitement, and experience a hunger to be loved, to be seen, and to matter. I think that’s why I do what I do – the silly wiring in my brain has be thinking that if I share what I want, I won’t get it, and then for sure I won’t be loved. I would bet that the young woman I spoke with was feeling angry about the back and forth superficial text messaging, and a hunger for genuine connection, and so spent time in her fantasies where she could create the relationship that she wants. We talked about this and shared that we are trying new ways of relating to these boys/men, telling the truth, expressing our feelings – in text messages to start – and then in real face to face interactions. This is what it takes to rewiring our brains and start to meet our deeper needs and hungers.

So, I think that boys, or men, certainly can be a soft addiction, but more important it is the ways of being when we are with boys/men that is the issue. Boys and men are great! The soft addictions that we engage in during the dating process is the problem! But isn’t it cool that we can use boys and men to see how different we act, catch these patterns and then change them?

Any thoughts?

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Night Fright Resolved in the Family System

September 30th, 2009 by Gertrude

Who knew that by my husband and I talking about our current fears our daughter would no longer be afraid to go to bed! It all started one night when our daughter was six years old and she got up during the night and could not find us in the house. We were in the very back of our basement on the computer, but when she called down there we didn’t hear her. She was really scared and eventually made her way back there to find us. But it started a pattern where every night when we put her to bed she was afraid and she wanted to know where we were going to be in the house or tell us we couldn’t leave the second floor.

We tried reasoning with her and telling her we wouldn’t leave her alone and that we would be somewhere in the house. She would cry and beg us not to leave. We set up a system where we put a stuffed animal on the top of the stairs to let her know we left the floor. None of it made a difference

We brought the issue into our parenting coaching session with Dr. Bob Wright and we were surprised that rather than try and figure out what was wrong with her, he asked how the two of us were doing and what we were afraid of but not talking about. What did this have to do with our daughter’s night fright? Knowing a bit about family systems I understood that sometimes if feelings are being withheld in the system someone else will play those feelings out. It turns out that once we started talking my husband and had a lot we were afraid of. He had just started his own company and I had recently gone back to work after having been a stay at home mom for four years. These were exciting changes but we were ignoring the fear we were experiencing. Once we started openly expressing this fear with each other and talking as a family acknowledging the changes that were going on my daughter’s fears literally stopped! She had unconsciously been playing out the fear in the family system. So now, whenever one of our daughters starts acting out in some way we look at what is going on with each other as the first step in dealing with it.

www.wrightparenting.com

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Skew and Suspect: The Job of (Not) Getting a Job

September 30th, 2009 by Kate

Barbara Ehrenreich, author of Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America has taken on the role of undercover reporter in the job-seeking world again in Bait and Switch: The (Futile) Pursuit of the American Dream. Her second book follows the formula of the first, and I found the entire approach an upsetting primer in how NOT to get a job.

Ehrenreich’s perilous process is as follows:

1) Suspect the worst of “corporate America” and of work life in general. Believe that work is an entitlement, and that any company that expects more than 9 to 5 from its employees and guarantees anything less than a lifelong commitment  is contributing to the general anxiety of America’s white-collar populace. Please, don’t consider work a potential source of enjoyment, affirmation, sense of self-worth, and feeling of meaning and accomplishment.

2) Assume a false identity that downplays your biggest achievement to date. If you are a successful writer, revert to your maiden name and craft an identity as a PR professional and event planner, playing up a minor feature of your resume in order to break into another industry.

3) Knock networking. Diss your fellow participants as drab, droll, and dearly misguided—and be convinced that they are only interested in selling you their product or service.

4) Be intent on thwarting the support that is offered to you. When a coach offers you a model or method for approaching your experience (personality tests, for example), critique the coaching industry as a whole, the specific tool in question, and the coach’s personal ethic and morals rather than looking sincerely at your own blocks or issues (such has your ill will toward business, bosses, or authority in general—see #1) that may legitimately stand in the way of you being gainfully and longitudinally employed.

I found the book humorous, despite the continuous attack on people who genuinely seek to support others in their careers.

It is Ehrenreich who has orchestrated a “bait and switch” at every stage of her game. More importantly, she misunderstands the essence of the real transformation happening in America. Whether the people at the top of corporations masterminding the changes Ehrenreich suggests are cutting the middle class off at the knees and creating a class of pertpetually in transition white-collar workers are truly as evil as she believes  is irrelevant.

The reality is that big businesses are shrinking and can’t be counted on for lifetime employment, while small business and entrepreneurship is on the rise. Increasingly we will all need to function as corporations of one — people who are aware of our skills and gifts, adept at representing ourselves and our value accurately, and intent on creating truthful and mutually beneficial relationships inside and outside of our lives as businesspeople.

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“Sacred Travel” to a Park

September 30th, 2009 by Angela

It was a average day and it looked like rain. I had several errands to run before work and didn’t have much time. My son who is 2 really wanted to go to the park. I scheduled out the morning and worked it out to have about an hour to get to and from the park and have maybe 45 mins to play there and then I would go straight to work.

As the morning progressed, things were moving along and of course you don’t plan for the little detours that happen. The time was getting tighter. I looked at the clock and I have 35 minutes to go to the park. My mind went back and forth- go, not go. I had all the reasons in the world to not go- not enough time, it probably will rain, etc. 

Suddenly, I remember what I had learned from Judith Wright over the years on the sacred travel trips and pilgrimages she leads each year. We would be in a different city and we would have a small window of time. She would have us go into a museum and see one specific painting she read about or go into a temple and pray and meditate or wherever she would have us go. We would take in the awe and wonderment of that place in a short period of time realizing you don’t really need that much time to have a great experience yet I know I tell myself all the time that I need more time to do it. 

With that memory, I said we are going to the park. I cruised there with my son in the baby jogger, me in my work attire and computer bag. We got to the park and I set my timer for 22 minutes. I told my son we only have a small time to play and let’s go. He had a blast in those 22 minutes. He went up and down the slide several times, hung from the monkey bars. He even met a little friend who lives close to where I work and I met her mom. We all connected in a short period of time. I felt I had a pilgrimage moment at a park.

I am grateful for the lessons I have learned on the trips Judith Wright has lead. I have learned how to experience life more fully and it has transformed how I travel and how I take “mini” trips every day.

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Liar, liar, pants on fire. Instill the principle of truth and fight back against lying in your family!

September 23rd, 2009 by Beryl

Not again! Your child has just lied to you, and then compounded the situation by denying it. You’re angry and frustrated. What do you do?

Don’t freak out – lying is a natural stage that every child goes through! It is normal for a child to test the limits to get attention. Most children lie because they are afraid to tell the truth – just like adults they have already formed beliefs about the “okayness” of the truth”.

If a child doesn’t learn to get positive attention, they will surely seek out negative attention. So give them the positive attention that they crave. Underline the positive moves that they make and the things that they do well. Ask them open-ended questions about their answers, such as “tell me about what’s underneath the lying”. Create a safe space for them to learn about telling the truth, and give them lots of positive reinforcement for “fessing up” to a lie they have told.
Share your journey with the truth with them and what’s underneath lying for you – it will create a sense of mutuality with your child that will open a more open and honest dialogue that may continue for years to come.

Want to know more about being a great parent? Visit www.wrightliving.com/programs/parenting and find out.

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